Letters

Letters, also known as Letters Never Sent, is a section of my website where I write letters that I wish I had the courage to send to people who annoy me.

December 2, 2006

Dear Manager at Dick’s Sporting Goods,

Let me start out by saying, that I am still angry that you are no longer a Galyan’s. I feel that when you were a Galyan’s the service was better, there was more variety, and the rock wall was open more often. Never the less, I still shopped at Dick’s out of convenience. Your store is much closer to my house.

With that being said, I have decided to drive the extra 20 minutes to go to Sports Authority or Sport Mart, because frankly, you suck. I recently was shopping at your store and wanted to purchase a football. There was a large bin of smaller college footballs. I asked the sales associate if all the balls in the bin were the same price. He replied, “Ma’am all the balls in the bin are $14.99.”

When I got up to the cash register, the check out girl noticed that the ball did not have a price tag on it. She asked a sales associate to bring back a ball out of the bin so that she could ring up my other purchases. He returned with a different ball, but since “all the balls in the bin are $14.99” he just brought any old ball. The sales associate comes back, and says, I’m very surprised that the ball you want to buy is $14.99, usually those balls are like $40.00. Let me just make sure that there are no other balls that are like this one in a different part of the store. So, I’m waiting, waiting, waiting, and he comes back with an empty box and says, “The ball you want to buy belongs in this box. Someone must have taken it out, and put it in the bin. I’m sorry, let me get the manager, and make sure we can sell you the ball for $14.99, as that is how much you thought the ball would be.” I hope you give that sales associate a Christmas raise, as he was extremely helpful, especially in comparison to you!

So, he goes to try and find you. He comes back, and cannot find you. Then the check out girl calls the stock room, and pages you not once, not twice, but three times. Still you do not show up. Meanwhile, at the cash register next to us, the check out person needs clarification on something as well. So not only am I starting to get irritated, but so are the people next to me, the people behind me, and the people behind the person next to me. The cash register people are starting to get antsy, and they continue to call and page you. FIFTEEN minutes go by! FIFTEEN, and finally you come. As you walk passed the cash register you say, “Sorry lady we can’t give you a $40 ball for 15 bucks.” Without even stopping to talk, or waiting for a response. Then you go over to the other cash register, and say, “Yeah, I don’t know,” and then disappear again.

Ummm, you gave me two seconds of your time after I waited over 15 minutes for you to get your lazy ass up to the front of the store to help me and another customer? Whatever you were doing must have been more important, right? Talking to your boyfriend in the back were we? Or perhaps you were trying to tame the mop on your head that you refer to as hair. Maybe you were calling 911 or performing CPR, because those are the only two reasons I can think of that you keep two customers waiting, not to mention the people behind us in line! I know you must work with snotty customers all the time, and I know you probably don’t get paid very well, but all you had to do was get up to the front of the store as soon as you could to answer a question, which by the way is probably one of the few jobs you have as it looked like all the other sales associates were trying to “hold down the fort” while you were doing God knows what.

I will NEVER shop at your location again, not just because of you, but because someone had to hire you, and frankly, I am pissed at that person too. So with the holidays fast approaching, I’ve decided to buy everyone I know some kind of sporting good product, and not buy it from you.

Thank you for your two seconds of time, biotch!

Sincerely,
Me

November 28, 2006

Dear Person Riding My Ass,

Thank you so much for riding my ass on my way to the grocery store today. I cannot tell you how considerate and non assholish it is of you. Where did you learn to be so giving? I truly do appreciate it. When I am finished writing you, I am going to immediately write my Driver’s Education Instructor, and tell him what a horrible job he did teaching me to drive, and how I learned the proper way to drive from you. Oh wise one, I do hope that you share all of your driving techniques and secrets with the rest of the safe drivers out there, they, like me, have so much to learn of your erratic ways.

I just wanted you to know what a awful day I had today, and how your tailgating my back bumper makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. While I had to deal with 270 junior high students, and explain to them the importance of proper keyboarding skills, my car was parked in the parking lot at work, and someone scraped the paint job on the passenger side. I must say though, the fact that you are riding me even though I’m going 45 mph in a 35 zone, because I have to get dinner on the table for my husband makes me feel so much better about my crappy day.

If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. I could siphon your gas tank, key your paint job, or perhaps, let all the air out of your tires. If I could be of any help, please do not hesitate to ask.

Thank you again for all your help.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. I hope that your car doors fall off.